There are times I think... things I do... I don't know why I keep thinking.... like last night a friend told me that I should get away from this person. I also don't know why I am sticking to this person. I don't know... so I guess maybe it is right. I be on my own. As I at times also question what am I to this person. What I do is it worth it? Sigh seriously I don't know.... So I reckon why don't I get away for a while.

At times, I feel it is a slap on my face.... being the person talking about code and conduct.... and even leading the committee for this for our order. I feel hypocrite as I think I do put personal into work. Ermm.... as always I have many meetings to attend to. Some are important and some are not really as so fruitless most of the time. I knew I attended to one matter too much and till now it is fruitless.... and I been reprimanded and my committee being questioned. I have to deal with all these... for a person!
Again... tomorrow I have meetings at 8.30am one at MoH with the BAHPC and one is RIPAS meeting visit to Women & Child where I am instructed to go. Just checked email.... another meeting at 9am... at JPA/SPA... yes that matter again! I cant skip the 8.30am to accommodate 9am. 9am is for a person.....and I don't know.... I am no body to this person..... I don't feel I am appreciated. Even no thank you for today. Sigh.....
So I don't knw..... really I don't know... can I leave all this!
On other note... I am back in contact wit AR... wont hope high... as things will just be the same..... and well for FZ... we see how we go from here....

SIAPALAH DIRI INI

I cant help to think.... who am I at times to you? I cant help to be a bit hurt.... I do a lot for you... and ermm.... 'This is my darling'..... I look at you.... Almost everyday with you.... whatever in u... mainly come from me.... even ur underwear today.... sigh.....
Why I am always like this... No body.... I planted things just for others to enjoy....
Even with AR before... just for I don't know....
Sigh.... SIAPALAH AKU INI?

I at times wonder... why cant I be like others.... don't I deserve happiness also... not complicated. I am tired being me... TIRED!!
God... I believe I do good thing please spare me at least one happiness that is simple and straightforward. Please I don't want to lose my faith again.... I don't want to be in that shithole ever again.... Aku lemah ya Tuhan... tolong la aku..... what is the purpose?

I been so occupied with so many things hence I realised I do a lot for people and at the end of the day, I wonder do people see that? I am still me. Nothing. I wonder why some people just oblivious or pretending I am not so sure.
Today I was really tired. Wanted time on my own. And I am so sorry A... I know you wanted to talk but I was just too tired to talk and handle you thing. And at times I feel I must do that as I don't want what happened few years back happened again. I don't see that you and me can be together. I don't feel that way. Was shocked when I heard you told your mum I am your sweetheart. As I am so not.
With someone... I know I am dealing with this but still hurt. You and your little dirty secret. Oh well... I don't have any little dirty secret but I do have secret too... at least mine mean something in your life... repeatedly you failed to see 'ME'.... oh my.... do assure and give me reasons why I should fight for you. By right it is not me... I am nothing but that person should be the one. That person is the one you 'love'... not me.
So tell me....

I do feel lonely at times.... wish I have a close friend.... whom check on me.... saying morning... nyte... are u well... etc... sigh.... Why cant I b somebody to someone... sigh... not in romantic way you know... sigh....

I know I wrote few posts before but I knew I had to delete them as it may sounded bad and in order to jaga hati few people I had to. Not that I am not gutsy but at times I know I have to be a bigger person. And well things have been good so why complaint.
Yesterday, I met a person and should not affect me in any ways but thing this person said like to summarize, people wont like me for me but for something else... my money and stability I could provide them... true or not as in for love.... I really don't know. But it did make me sad a bit... do I not deserve any sincerity etc.... but I also wonder why this person feel that I would make friend with you after you said all those words... Sayonara! I rather be alone....
One thing I got to say... I am tired lately... I don't know why... but ya... sleep been interrupted... appetite is so off.... and well I don't knw at times where I gathered my energy....
Now what I need is time off... quality sleep... quality time for myself!