I at times wonder... why cant I be like others.... don't I deserve happiness also... not complicated. I am tired being me... TIRED!!
God... I believe I do good thing please spare me at least one happiness that is simple and straightforward. Please I don't want to lose my faith again.... I don't want to be in that shithole ever again.... Aku lemah ya Tuhan... tolong la aku..... what is the purpose?

I been so occupied with so many things hence I realised I do a lot for people and at the end of the day, I wonder do people see that? I am still me. Nothing. I wonder why some people just oblivious or pretending I am not so sure.
Today I was really tired. Wanted time on my own. And I am so sorry A... I know you wanted to talk but I was just too tired to talk and handle you thing. And at times I feel I must do that as I don't want what happened few years back happened again. I don't see that you and me can be together. I don't feel that way. Was shocked when I heard you told your mum I am your sweetheart. As I am so not.
With someone... I know I am dealing with this but still hurt. You and your little dirty secret. Oh well... I don't have any little dirty secret but I do have secret too... at least mine mean something in your life... repeatedly you failed to see 'ME'.... oh my.... do assure and give me reasons why I should fight for you. By right it is not me... I am nothing but that person should be the one. That person is the one you 'love'... not me.
So tell me....

I do feel lonely at times.... wish I have a close friend.... whom check on me.... saying morning... nyte... are u well... etc... sigh.... Why cant I b somebody to someone... sigh... not in romantic way you know... sigh....

I know I wrote few posts before but I knew I had to delete them as it may sounded bad and in order to jaga hati few people I had to. Not that I am not gutsy but at times I know I have to be a bigger person. And well things have been good so why complaint.
Yesterday, I met a person and should not affect me in any ways but thing this person said like to summarize, people wont like me for me but for something else... my money and stability I could provide them... true or not as in for love.... I really don't know. But it did make me sad a bit... do I not deserve any sincerity etc.... but I also wonder why this person feel that I would make friend with you after you said all those words... Sayonara! I rather be alone....
One thing I got to say... I am tired lately... I don't know why... but ya... sleep been interrupted... appetite is so off.... and well I don't knw at times where I gathered my energy....
Now what I need is time off... quality sleep... quality time for myself!

I seldom have a resolution when it comes to new year... but this year I want to make one.... My resolution is to Be happy!! And for you for saying harsh words and said that I should just die with my friend.... Here from us! Enjoy!

One of the last messages you sent was that you asked me to define friend or love one? That when you asked to choose between a friend and you. Yes you were my loved on... I used were as we over now... although I must say I still love you. We been together for almost 2 years, it is not easy for me as you think but I know this is for the best. While you were in KL... we had the best time of our life... but I don't know why eversince you are back to Brunei things changed drastically. I lost you... you became an angry person... I tried being there and accept whatever but you dumped me again and again. Labelled with harsh words and many.... I took all and still willing to stay by your side. Many times you said you no longer wanted our relationship when I asked and still I stayed by your side. I got confused as one day I am your loved on and another day I am a stranger.
And when lately I managed to get myself a friend.... a friend... I am much happier and I can be myself. I can talk and tell anything. And I even told you about this friend. And as you did not even want to meet me again... I spent time with my friend. And you know the story. Yes almost each day we spent time together as I feel more real. We do mutual activities this and that... and with you all we had was phone call, wassap and yes phone calls..... what real in that?! You said you are afraid to see me.... and prefer this way after KL.... And yes you killed my feeling.... from time to time....
I just don't know what to say and u asked me friend or love one... for this case I stick with my friend.... as I don't feel u and I are lovers in a real sense!

As can be seen from these pictures... we been eating a LOT!! These are just some of the pictures!