Between Love and Good Bye

I watched this movie… I thought it was really nice… it made me think about how people when relationship are so eager to say the word… love… when all in love..… all are sweet…all are nice…. But then come the good bye bit… all turned sour…. And I like the tag for the movie… CAN YOU PROMISE FOREVER?.... I know when ppl are in love… typically they will say… I will love you forever…. But always the case it is never!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010

Its new year already and I know I haven’t wished all ppl a very happy new year… I am not sceptical but for me it is just another day…. A day older and still many things to be done. I could still recall being a bit ‘MAD’ thinking how on earth on the 31^st Dec 2009, that there were 3 meetings to attend and yet I couldn’t attend any as I already booked patients to be seen in Tutong and Belait…. Furthermore, they only informed a day before, like in Wednesday! And once phone call was like at 3plus in the afternoon! WTH! And like things like these need to be looked at and rectified.

And I feel that I need to put a stop on these problems as well… like I know I been get to involved in a lot of things…meetings la…MME la H1N1 la… and I get involved in so many multidisciplinary teams… and yet no matter how hard to try to please and make everyone happy… still people are not happy with you. Let me say here… I have to cover like MHU, Stroke, Rehab Medicine, Obesity Clinic, Cardiac Rehab, CDC, Spinal Cord team, for outpatients and inpatients, and on top of that actively involve with whatever thing like meetings for this opening, that opening, committee for service directory la, board la etc… and have to cover Tutong and Belait as well. Just imagine, I know I have staffs under me, but some cases are needed to see by me first hand and being the only qualified one under the medical services, I am up to my neck! I am getting tired and so fed up, I make one happy and make another not happy… and just recently, been invited to join the MDT for oncology as well as we see their patients as well… just imagine, clinical time and then some admin things to do…. It is so pack… and still people not please not happy…. The problem is I don’t have much time to supervise or teach fully my junior staffs… thus I need them to be more proactive etc…. it is just that being label as trainee doesn’t entitle them to make decision and all, and these people would prefer to have me rather than them. I know as being the one qualified would be the best person but like I am the only one… it is hard! Like one example, I heard when people not happy as I supplied my junior to cover me for obesity clinic… and like they were like… we keep changing ppl…. We don’t…., its myself n one of my junior… so that when I cant make it, my junior would see the patients…. Wouldn’t that be better than no one at all seeing the patients?

For MHU it is understandable that they prefer me full time but I cant commit to that… I can just get the referral and see the patients in my clinic… while for Stroke and Rehab, I think it is more to neuropsych I rather be the one who attended the team as my junior wont have a clue about neuropsych at all… it is a specialised area…. I mean like people tell me that I should understand…. More like do they understand me? Like one in a while when I need to go KB or meeting or even on leave… I wont be able to attend rounds and so forth…. Just at times, I feel time is playing a joke… when I m around for rounds… at times, no case for me. The moment I was not attending people look for you…. Phew!

I know times are so constraining… like KB day is always Thursday for me and Tutong… it coincides with Rehab round and Obesity clinic so I have to make sacrifices. In that not that I go KB very often… the most is twice a month… and like I feel Rehab or Obesity would have to understand ya… I mean like Obesity… my junior would cover… and for rehab, at times I go KB to review the rehab patients there. Agnes was arguing just now that I should have prioritize but my argument is that…. i have to be fair… once a month in KB… is that too much to ask…. And for obesity, once I told a dietician that I was gonna be on leave, the person made faces to me…. Looking spastic and sceptically like… “who will see the patients on clinic day” I was like only a day… and like there were day I am at the clinic n no patients! Don’t I deserve break? And like she was on leave as well at times and no review! Human just like that… they can do it and yet others cant! And like u do 90% good work and slip out 10% and they will talk about the 10% bad things… and forget the good work!

I know I m vending my anger out here…. I love my work… I love my patients… it is just that the system and people that you work with! Anyhow… I plan to see CEO or ACEO to ask for some advice in this manner as I need to put a stop to these…. And like I can understand and I hope ppl understand as well…

Okay forget abt it… I knw I should be recharged as I took leave before the new year…. But maybe I need more!!! Hehehe anyhow I cant wait for my next trip!! Soon!!

Is this breaking season?

I wonder... i know one song by Melly stating "like musim durian, musim putus cinta" and i am like.. yes this is durians season and well the past few days i been with people breaking up and having problem with their relationships.... well as most of u aware i broke up recently myself... but well i m happier.... but like last three days... one by one a fren came to me for consult n comfort... i was like wow... two from here in Brunei n one my dearest fren called from overseas... i was like wow... i try to be there for them and i hope it works... i just hope they will handle the situation well... just that at times not that i am anti-relationship or wat... but like i do know when a relationship is no longer work n cant work... and no point in staying together.... well....
anyhow... D called me today from Seychelles... i miss her... and i kind of insisted that come to visit me!!!! and well i definitely look frwd for this!!! ok till later!

TALENTIME

Well, i wont be talking about this movie... but like always i like Yasmin's work... her movie is very distinctive than other typical malay movie... it is my genre must say... anyhow... this song by Aizat entitle "I GO" stuck to my head while i was doing my work today... yes i know it is sunday but i was doing my work! hehehe

"So long, fare thee well
The dancer and the dancing days have taken leave and fell
So turn down this bed of stone
Quench me with the deadly nightshade from the rose that you belong

The long December rain is falling now
Running down on streets to nowhere
Music is my life you're my sweetest nightingale
But I can't hear it here no more
And I go
I go

Hush now, don't shake or break
Words have fallen silent like soldiers to the grave
No matter what they do or say
Lay me on the sleepy meadow by the tracks upon your face"

Hey, havent update this blog... always think of updating it but leisure time i rather surf or just watch dvds...
Anyhow, it has been very busy after the Hari Raya, works seems endless... at times i feel i am so busy that i dont even have for myself... health been deteriorating as never have the enough rest. Even today, supposed to have the World diabetic day event but i decided to stay home and rest. Mood have been up and down... i know what i need is a break! Just imagine there are times when i have like 3 meetings at a day and for crying out load, where can i have my time to see my patients, to organise my unit and to supervise my staffs! I think this has somehow affected my clinical skills. Damn at times, i wish i have more qualified staffs with me not only me alone to make all the decisions alone. And well i wish some have more initiative and more innovative as well.... sigh....
anyhow... i be okay i guess!
There been a wedding as well, and for once, i wasnt involved actively as i wasnt that well... missed few occasions and really feel sorry for that.
Anyhow, december is coming and all... well better month i hope....

PURA PURA

"Setiap kali ku berfikir
Setiap kali ku mengerti
Jalan ini tak semestinya
Ku tempuh dalam hidupku

Seandainya aku mau
Seharusnya aku bisa
Tinggalkanmu yang slama ini
Ku cinta dalam hatiku

Maafkanlah aku
Yang tak mampu lagi berpura-pura
Untuk tak cintai kamu
Selama ini di depannya

Ku tak sanggup lagi
Terus kau suruh untuk slalu mengalah
Lebih baik aku pergi
Dari cinta yg tak pernah untukku"

Hi, now it has been few weeks after raya...back to usual stuffs and eventhough i took a week off but that was not enough. Anyhow today is 10th October 2009, still got invitations for open houses but i have to pass them as i am not in condition to go. Anyhow, just an update.. I have decided that i want to end my relationship as i think it is for the best, i been trying to work it out but it has taken a toll, age differences, ideologies differences, this and that, the least i said the better, but i do hope the other person see it that way, and i know would be hard for the person but i wish the best. We grew apart and the relationship feels like a burden n more like work responsibilities and at times "terpaksa"... anyhow... there are far more important thing in the world than this now! :)
Okay, this week has been wow... last sunday, i woke up feeling a bit pain in my leg... but i tot just maybe i sprained it... i even went out to open houses, but later in the evening i realized something was not right, went to A&E well so many people, waited a bit but decided to go back. I couldnt sleep and about 3am i went back to A&E, i am sorry i know this is not general but the doctor i saw (not local) god he was useless... he didnt even do any investigation, like blood test, with the history given by me,.. i was pissed, i know i m bit selective with some painkillers, the doctor was like.. "wat can i give u then" pathetic... i just left.. and i tot nevermind i just go work n look for my fren in the morning. Well, ya... with my walking stick i turned to work, even saw patients in the wards, and blessed Dr Connie and Dr Munir did a check on me, and well did blood x ray... well we figured it gout. And i am on colchicine, it helped. But i think i needed the rest, i didnt get MC and still turned to work n i think walking around to wards n seeing patients taken a toll on me, i wasnt feeling well on wednesday and after stroke round on wed pm, i went home to rest, and slept and waking up to feeling SOB, got my asthma!! i tot i can wean it off by resting, it got worst... and about 3am, i was reluctant but i had to... i felt that i need nebulizer so i went to A&E again, hehehe mum was mad to find out that i went alone n drove myself... well now it was okay as i got Local doctor, she was good, got my nebulizer done, and prednisolone for my asthma, Oh ya i forgot to mention b4 all these, i got infection on my finger and i was on antibiotic flucloxacillin. Talk about heavily medicated i am...got mc.. and well yesterday, whole day, i kept going to toilet... diarheaa!, as i know i been warned that my medication will upset my stomach damn... i couldnot slept whole nyte only managed to sleep aroung 5am n up about 7am to go to work. Went to work but i needed toilet constantly with the "diarheaa"... i was like oh god hahaha... one after another... well hope next week is better....
Anyhow, i had my open house on 1st october 09, and my my the reception was overwhelmed. Didnt expect many people and we ran out food.. we opened around 5pm and not even 8pm, we ran out of food... and people kept coming... i couldnt do anything, sis-in-law, my bro were like .... heheh but mum n dad were quick to tackle the problem..... just imagine, we invited n yet not all turned up n still not enough! hahaha.... well... good one though....
anyhow... i think we should take a moment with all the disasters that happening around us, in Padang, in Phillipines... i think we should be grateful that we are here... pray all okay... and our prayers go to those ppl...
okay will stop here... til later ppl...