Adjusting is hard.... but I know we are so meant to be friends.... and yes I am blessed to have you my life my friend! Bless us Both dude!

Things have been great... I feel bless... and yes I have you as a friend.... we been thru up and down... but we still stick.... and today is the day... finally... yes.... and last night we went dinner as well before the start of work for u... Bless you my friend....

I was in Siem Reap for the last one week... attending the 3rd ASEAN Mental Task force Meeting... It was great indeed.

Today I feel so irritable. Lucky meeting with Tuan Sabri went well. He did calm me down and I knew what I did for the work was not right. But I just so feel so tired to work it now. I been so negative and maybe I am tired and fed up I guess. With someone... erm... I am badly want to be your friend but I got fed up what we talked about is your thing! Once in a while we should talk about me..... my thing! so boring only ur thing..... life is not just about you okay! Fuck it!
And I don't know I cant help thinking and at times I feel I have different perspective now. Recent event make me wonder and make me think. I might be wrong but I cant help it.
Anyhow.... I do not contact AR for few days and ermmm I felt nothing! I just feel all is wrong. I pray but I feel no peace. Sigh..... God why... am I not deserving of a slight happiness in life. I do good things.... sigh....

My mood is not great today... when I saw someone put something on IG... I was happy.... but the caption erm..... make me wonder what do u see me as.... I don't think its hurt even to say I am a friend... but to say a therapist... erm... after all we been thru... I never say you are my patient..... as I see you more than that.... if just a patient.... I wont do all those thing I did for you.... sigh..... again, time and time again... you make me unappreciated.

And well AR... I just don't get you at times.... and at times I do not know what I am doing with you as I feel at times it just a waste of our time.... all u did and said... just hurtful... I know its been long and I don't hope for anything.....

And also today... I aint sure just course I was sensitive... let me ask... say you knw someone is coming your house and you informed way way before hand.... would you just do whatever you do... take your own sweet time.... and ppl wait... of course not right... despite you do something or out... you would cut it short and try to accommodate. Come... you were out like hrs already... okay la... maybe I should do the same.... like I said my principle you are nicer I am nicer... and when you are not.. why should I care. Don't blame me okay.....

At times... I do feel my frens right... why am I stupid to invest on these two... not even worth! But I cant help it... soft feeling I reckon.... so maybe I should awake from these.... sigh....

I really like this picture... I am glad that this is one of your wishlists! and Insya allah your next wish is coming through... Amin... Happy Bday again Alai Qawie! :)

I threw a dinner and bday surprise for Qawie... It was just small dinner... at Villa Mauri. Ziyah joined us. It was nice to see someone happy... Yes... I do this for my good and dearest friend only... Happy Advanced Bday Qawie... Mwahh...

Nothing much really... back to work and very busy as ever. With AR... how you never cease to annoy and irritate me. You said call... within a minute calling and 20mins later still not picking up and went offline... WTH! I never wrong to call you fucker.... Do learn to respect ppl ok AR!
And well with CAW... I knew maybe it was wrong for me to share the thing just now. I regretted it... we were fine... you were fine and happy til I mentioned the thing. I knew it would make you think.... and I knew how u hated to wait and this would linger and affect your night. But for an instance, don't you ever think... things I do.... I may not be the one in pain here but I had to gather my gut here... thick face asking a person higher up for you. You think it was really hard for you but I was not an easy thing for me too.... everyday non-stop I think about your matter.... constantly.... praying for you endlessly.... it had been so difficult and painful for you... I must say it has been a turbulence for me too... and at times... I put my integrity and dignity at stake... all for your sake... someone I consider as my good friend... sigh....

Just a little update, AR really pissed me off totally... if this was before, I would be like wanting to fix but now things have changed. It is not worth at all. I said sayonara... bye... I fed up!
With CAW... erm I just have to be strong to move on... it is just not worth as well.... Damn... why cant I be happier.... sigh... I am tired... god please.... I want to be happy too.....

As I could not find a pen to note this down so I put it here :)

Regime Day 1:
50 squat
100 Dumbell
20 Push Up
20 Sit Up

This for 30 days with increment :)

At times I do know we wish for something that we can't help. I wish maybe thing between me and AR back to normal... well I should be more mature and knew this will never be the same ever again. But I just hate the fact AR took this lightly and granted. AR's old antique all back... AR cannot wait but AR can make ppl wait... just selfish ain't it? Okay stop about it.

Well another one CAW.... I don't know... constantly on my mind.... but I know nothing will ever happen. Damn it... I should focus on other thing ya.

Soon is my nephew's birthday. Erm I do not think his parents is preparing anthing. Anyhow... gifts been bought. And we will see.

Like I said... Qawie and Me are close friends... we share almost everything... and spend most of the time together.... and like I said he is my close guy fren now.... as it is hard to see my others friends... the guy one... but yes I still lepak with Didi, Jo and Amal.... well... just for fun... and I was bored and came up with this :)

For a start... we share same passion of taking picture hahah same smile hahaha.... here he used my glasses... ermmm similar? hahahah.....

 While in KL, I lent him this t-shirt and he liked it so much.... hence I let him have it..... Nice huh.....

 We even have the same shoe size.... hence I lent him my shoes..... we care and share.......

 Opps... This shade is given by Ziyah but I hardly use it as I do not like using contact lens... hence I 'gave' to Qawie... and he can use it better than me...

 Here... I borrowed his shoes.... :)

 While in Myanmar... I did not do much shopping but that country is famous with Jade hence... I bought this pair of Jade Necklace.... one for him and one for me... Indeed nice!

 This is my old shade.... Got it from Philosophy long time ago... and well... he can put better use so I gave him.....

 Okay.... here see our pants... same... I got this pant for him and then Amal bought me a similar pant... hehheehe

 Another glasses again from UniQlo..... :)

 

Look at our Shirt! heheh its so nice... so we got one each! And ensure we don't wear it at the same time! Hahahah...

 

 

Okay.... so ermm... I do consider him as my good friend too... :) And will always ensure he is on good health physically and mentally!

Okay for the last half a year... I know this person.. and this person has been one of my closest friends. His name is Muhd Qawie... We been thru thick and thin.... And share passion of food... he is my lepak friend la... campur Ziyah and Christina :)

Okay, maybe I have been so negative lately... like I said I was tired... anyhow... look the bright side.... this year since January I been travelling... I was in Myanmar, Vietnam, Singapore.... and was in KL... and oh I am back to Bali now... :)

Ermmm... I did mention that I am back on good term with AR. Things been slowed must say but some are back to where we were before. But not the same. Well I though of giving this another go.... FZ is out of the way... so annoying..... anyhow with CAW is still the same.. as CAW ever said... will never happen.... so well am giving myself chance to be happy. Funny now I am with AR and AR is sleeping and snoring... ahahah and suddenly I think of CAW... sigh...... please..... I don't know....

I just wonder it is hard to hear or see at times you do care.... I wish I can be a stone like you.... sigh...

There are times I think... things I do... I don't know why I keep thinking.... like last night a friend told me that I should get away from this person. I also don't know why I am sticking to this person. I don't know... so I guess maybe it is right. I be on my own. As I at times also question what am I to this person. What I do is it worth it? Sigh seriously I don't know.... So I reckon why don't I get away for a while.

At times, I feel it is a slap on my face.... being the person talking about code and conduct.... and even leading the committee for this for our order. I feel hypocrite as I think I do put personal into work. Ermm.... as always I have many meetings to attend to. Some are important and some are not really as so fruitless most of the time. I knew I attended to one matter too much and till now it is fruitless.... and I been reprimanded and my committee being questioned. I have to deal with all these... for a person!
Again... tomorrow I have meetings at 8.30am one at MoH with the BAHPC and one is RIPAS meeting visit to Women & Child where I am instructed to go. Just checked email.... another meeting at 9am... at JPA/SPA... yes that matter again! I cant skip the 8.30am to accommodate 9am. 9am is for a person.....and I don't know.... I am no body to this person..... I don't feel I am appreciated. Even no thank you for today. Sigh.....
So I don't knw..... really I don't know... can I leave all this!
On other note... I am back in contact wit AR... wont hope high... as things will just be the same..... and well for FZ... we see how we go from here....

SIAPALAH DIRI INI

I cant help to think.... who am I at times to you? I cant help to be a bit hurt.... I do a lot for you... and ermm.... 'This is my darling'..... I look at you.... Almost everyday with you.... whatever in u... mainly come from me.... even ur underwear today.... sigh.....
Why I am always like this... No body.... I planted things just for others to enjoy....
Even with AR before... just for I don't know....
Sigh.... SIAPALAH AKU INI?

I at times wonder... why cant I be like others.... don't I deserve happiness also... not complicated. I am tired being me... TIRED!!
God... I believe I do good thing please spare me at least one happiness that is simple and straightforward. Please I don't want to lose my faith again.... I don't want to be in that shithole ever again.... Aku lemah ya Tuhan... tolong la aku..... what is the purpose?

I been so occupied with so many things hence I realised I do a lot for people and at the end of the day, I wonder do people see that? I am still me. Nothing. I wonder why some people just oblivious or pretending I am not so sure.
Today I was really tired. Wanted time on my own. And I am so sorry A... I know you wanted to talk but I was just too tired to talk and handle you thing. And at times I feel I must do that as I don't want what happened few years back happened again. I don't see that you and me can be together. I don't feel that way. Was shocked when I heard you told your mum I am your sweetheart. As I am so not.
With someone... I know I am dealing with this but still hurt. You and your little dirty secret. Oh well... I don't have any little dirty secret but I do have secret too... at least mine mean something in your life... repeatedly you failed to see 'ME'.... oh my.... do assure and give me reasons why I should fight for you. By right it is not me... I am nothing but that person should be the one. That person is the one you 'love'... not me.
So tell me....

I do feel lonely at times.... wish I have a close friend.... whom check on me.... saying morning... nyte... are u well... etc... sigh.... Why cant I b somebody to someone... sigh... not in romantic way you know... sigh....

I know I wrote few posts before but I knew I had to delete them as it may sounded bad and in order to jaga hati few people I had to. Not that I am not gutsy but at times I know I have to be a bigger person. And well things have been good so why complaint.
Yesterday, I met a person and should not affect me in any ways but thing this person said like to summarize, people wont like me for me but for something else... my money and stability I could provide them... true or not as in for love.... I really don't know. But it did make me sad a bit... do I not deserve any sincerity etc.... but I also wonder why this person feel that I would make friend with you after you said all those words... Sayonara! I rather be alone....
One thing I got to say... I am tired lately... I don't know why... but ya... sleep been interrupted... appetite is so off.... and well I don't knw at times where I gathered my energy....
Now what I need is time off... quality sleep... quality time for myself!