I am not avoiding. With the KK bus incident... i been working... all u said... "u still busy?" no how are u... no concern... watever... and like you knew i am not happy... why not self reflect and see what u have done.... make joke again... anyhow i cant wait to be out of Brunei.... yes i be on holiday!

In relationship, i believe there is the do and the dont... even if we joke... i bet there is limit to it. So tonyte seriously... i could not take the joke.... and well... like i said... who would have the last laugh.... i m serious....

End of 2011

In less than 2 weeks, we will be leaving 2011 and welcoming 2012. Well 2011 has been a challenging year for me. I can’t say it is a bad year but it taught me a lot this year. Beginning of the year was a difficult time. I had my surgery and I spent my new year in hospital being admitted. Thanks for those visiting. And funny how some ppl like… ‘I didn’t visit you as I reckon you would want your privacy’ haha excuses… real frens would just visit. Anyhow…. Not a big thing really.
Beginning of the year, I was burdened by the leaving of one of my colleagues. I bet everyone knows. Asked for unpaid leave on the basis of further study and of course knowing the real reason behind it I couldn’t approve it. And my signature was forged and letters dated on days I was being admitted. Whole long story but it died down a bit now. And really I have no idea what the outcome. And only recently I was asked by CEO as this person asked for extension of her unpaid leave. See… how could I approved it before as now I was questioned why the extension and the course just started recently while she asked for unpaid leave very early in the year. Sigh….
And while we are on this subject about colleagues…. Another one… whom is known to be problematic… everyone is aware. And I had been a good fren and kept my eyes shut. But recently… I don’t know anymore. Just because her application was questioned, and superior had to ask me, it seemed that I was the one who is not supportive. How can I help when you are not helping yourself. Read the letters I wrote… whatever she wanted me to write I complied with back-up and yet she couldn’t back up herself. Couldn’t defend herself and I was asked. Read the letters carefully, there was not in any way that I opposed but very supportive. It caused us strained. She couldn’t accept fact and wanted an easy way out. Yes you can do this master n get into clinical psych in future… but ppl question why had to be this course 2 years in US… same as the previous one. And sorry… I just interviewed one applicant yesterday that just qualified in MFT from US… so I don’t see the need having 3 ppl doing the same thing. But was frustrated me with these two cases are these people are close to me. I been doing what I can to cover them, defending them when ppl said bad things about them… I even had argument with Ms SS before and see what I got in return. Sigh….. well I had made my mind… I made effort to be okay with Ms SS again. She may be harsh but at times I do feel she is right about them.
Anyhow… I wanna be more strict this 2012… no more mr nice boss… and I will get Pg Hartini involvement more and the next leave I have I will put her as my Pemangku. I am just fed up. And well, I been nice didn’t work… I do different approach.
Well, it may seem that it was negative for me. Well maybe yes. Being betrayed many times. I broke up with Q… but seriously it was the best thing. Being accused of this and that. Being the subject on the facebook… making me realised my goodness what type of ppl have I been hanging out. I self-reflected myself. And well… one incident when a person inbox me on FB and said I wanted to bring this dance company down… I was like wow… and being told who was the culprit… wow… I always question the loyalty of this person anyhow…. Not a surprise. I been told how this person had always been jealous of me… and I was told once that this person even called Police to ambush a gathering I was hosting. Anyhow… I wish you luck hanging out with bunch of losers!
Well… one a brighter note…. I had a good bday bash… pool party… I know lots expressed envyness for being not invited.. sorry only frens and exclusive. And thank you Didi Ahmad…. You have made my life better. A lot was jealous as my crowd is somebody. Sorry ppl… we are a group of highly educated ppl… mainly from overseas…. Lawyers, doctors, shrink… u name it…. and VVIP. I heard a lot but like I said… this is my life now… I only hang out with two groups mainly… Diners and PokerFace. And well recently I reconnected with an old fren… Wae… and how ppl talked about it… I am like hello… this is my fren of 8 years….. ok… leave it. Wae told me a lot… it seems that people have problem with me… while I don’t know what their problems are… well bottom line is jealousy! Hahaha…
Maybe I am not lucky in love…. I moved on. Now I am with someone… I am happy but sigh…. Problems always there… I am trying to be the understanding one but at times I wish the other party see my side too. Less I say the better. It been good and great but constraint this and that taken a toll on it lately…. I am still alone most of the time and dealing with this and that myself… sigh… I left H for this. And well lately, someone is trying to get my attention…. I really feeling afraid…. I deserve to be happy too…. I m very tired being the one making this work…. Like the one must message… being waiting for message…. Saying how happy to get my message…. But don’t you think I would like to be message too…. Must it b me the first to make move in everything…. Making plan etc… I know your restriction but a gesture would be nice… and sorry to say it here… at times, syg said thing that hurt me…. Last meeting we had… you asked why didn’t I leave u? why I still sticking to you. I was quite a bit n my mood changed… the words hurt and I only said as I made the commitment…. by saying that made me felt you are insecure. And by putting on FB… I don’t need anyone…. As your partner… have u ever tot how that would affect me…. Sigh….
Well… I wont think much…. In less than two weeks… its new year… hope better days. Well… this years also marked that I travelled a lot…. Many… went kl in feb, Brisbane in April, Singapore/KK/Manila in june…. And then went to Kl again in August and then I went HK in Nov…. and well next week I am off to Jakarta…. And next yr in Feb… Korea! Yay! Its my money… I don’t care ppl….. hahahaha….. Jealous much…. Be very very jealous!
And well… I know ppl that I used to know now estranged funny that I felt nothing… even Q… it means that these ppl are so insignificant in my life!  I miss Kieu a lot and well I cant wait for Dianne to be here next year!! Must be awesome!! Anyhow… I stop here til next time…. Better time and better year!

New yr is approaching....normally i wont have resolution but this yr... i wanna be a better Head.... and i will change my way of reigning... n u ppl.... watch out.... knw the difference between... being asked and being instructed!

on the bright side... hey i passed my GO and FR... scored C for both papers! yaya.....

on the bright side... hey i passed my GO and FR... scored C for both papers! yaya.....

Hi,
I know I have not been writing for a long time. Things are just pretty much the same. Love life is the same… adjusting to being in relationship.  and well I went to HK early November… and it was fun. And just recently I did help in SO. It was good to be helping but now I know why I left before. Just the people to be working with. I can’t stand them. Just put my nawaitu to help and put everything else aside. And well seriously I don’t think I want to be involved more in future unless things change in there. Just *&^% really!
And well… things at work is the same. Pretty much occupied and seriously at times I lost my direction. Not focus with all the projects of this and that. I wonder why when I was in UK or OZ… when u r a clinician… u r a clinician… and lest other things. Not to say u won’t do anything else but all are related and beneficial. But here is like endless and fruitless. You be part of something that you r not good at… and of course the outcome is suck.
And seriously I am very frustrated with certain attitudes of people. Think they would get away with anything. The good one will be used fully and no one will look at you. And for once I am saying here I hate being the head! I know it came with a price but like if talking about I am not a good leader or delegating… I think I am but like I think I have bad followers. Not motivated and not very incentive. And once I said a thing would pull a face and sour face! Lest I said what happened with the one before… who did all the damage. And now another one. I been nice… seriously….
I am tired being the nice one… and at the end… still I m not good. And like how can I help when you are not helping urself. I know I am bad saying this… do reflect of all ppl… why everyone progress and only you cant and still stuck… we help a lot… but at the end of the day you are not helping yourself!
Giving up whenever I said something… I am fed up being asked n query by the ppl up there… and since this is a matter that involved you, of course I need the cooperation. Wat? being the head do I have to be in charge of all…. Meaning I know it all… as I m superior! HELLO… THIS IS YOUR FUCKING MATTER!! And despite I have the qualification… not all I learn from uni… learn it from experience ppl!!!
Sorry ppl… I know I should not vent it out but at times just too much! Seriously I can just shut my eyes n do nothing….. and well.. for certain times… I feel like stepping down…. But who else can take this job!
And yes… I know I wont just be like this…. I have plan…. Just time will tell…. I m just fed up and fed up!!

It has been a while since i write in here. I been well and very happy. In happier place. Anyhow... sat for my FR and tomorrow is the GO paper and i feel that i have not covered much. Well all the best i can say ;)
Anyhow... i am going next week on work-trip to HK and normally i dont tell my family but eventually they would know. At times, i dont know it is me or at times i just cant stand mum's behavior. Many la... one thing about makan... asking whether i wanna makan at wrong times... say at 3pm or 4pm plus... more to tea ke apa... and yet sunday at lunch time i made myself available at dining table... she did not ask. And like looked at me and said 'oh i dont knw u wanna makan'...argghhh... or like u r abt to go out and asked where u going and u replied out for lunch or dinner and then she would ask... "mau makan"... i be like %^&$.....or she asked why u sweat when it was obviously i just back from hiking or doing sport... in sport attire.... n last nyte i happened to say i may go to HK to attend course... she asked with who... said alone and she gave me a look and then said why alone... wont u be scared..... i was maximally ^&*%................
i was away on my one... at young age.... overseas for many years.... and travel here n there on my own... and i am not young anymore... to be asked that kind of question... and yet like my brother always do work trip and she asked nothing....
sorry maybe it is not nice but just that... at times... it got into my head!

SIADWTDCAITYGNRM!!!AUGDIUTNTOMTNYAAALIWMWIP!

oh ya just a though n wonder... when someone sounded so distress like a matter of life n death... and yet sound so ok and normal on fb hahaha and like wow still ada masa updating hahahaha...

I believe there is a certain extent to what we can help people with. Okay... i think partly it might have been my fault. I do not want to be negative. Okay on FB someone i barely know seek help from me. Hospital related. I was told that this person's friend had this problem. A cyst in the ovary and did check up in KB Hospital and was told she had a growth of 3cm in her ovary and well kind of refused treatment (so i was told) as she was afraid if she did go for surgery, her chance to be able to conceive would be slim. Fair enough and well she did a check up in Miri and was told that it was 5cm growth well... that considered as big. Anyhow... this person whom i did not know at all but like my nature like to help as i was told she had no follow-up or watsover frm KB hospital hence yes i know i could help at least get her to be seen by gynaecologist or so.... all these thru FB... which i dislike as i thought it was not professional. Fair enough. So i gave my office number and throughout the night she been messaging me on my FB.. and did try to contact my mobile (my fren whom knew her gave my number which i was not keen). well... so and so... i kept asking for detail etc... and guess til today i was like how would i proceed in getting info at least when i been ignored the request for her detail by her... name and ic.... many messages n i kept repeating name n ic.... so i can access her medical record or at least if i ever want to get appointment for O&G would be convenient to get some details u know what i mean. So i get fed up and i gathered that apparently she is still on review with KB hospital end of October n now she felt the pain. Repeatedly i told her... in pain simply go hospital.. what the problem... need no me... and on and on she requested to talk to me when i said sorry it is not my area n she is a patient with KB hospital just go to that hospital... easy as she is frm KB and that the hospital and they would do the needful. and did she listen no! n like no name n ic which by now i dont need as all she can do is go hospital if in pain.... i just wonder... what wrong with her.... it is so simple n why made it complicated... pain go hospital la... Duh.... shit man... this is annoying.
Another thing i always get is when random ppl whom not i share mutual activities ke apa or relatives that i know but hardly in touch... ask me whether i can get them first class.... alamak... plss la.... when u get admitted ask la sendiri... i would keep the privileges to myself n my close family la.... adui.... heheheheh.... and well.... like i said i do not want negative but ppl pls la.... think n use ur head!

anyhow... better stop here... and yes syg... i miss u heaps!

DCT released an english album.. and overhyped as always... been mangnified in such a wrong magnitude... seriously it looked cheap...and well i did listen... not bad.. but to say the best... hey that is so over... and i am like many artist before released english album and well the people and media made it like she is the first to do so... please la...
anyhow... I must say... the Bruneian artists made better song and can sing Better english songs than her....

hi... it is already october... and well i am so will learn my GO and FR soon... and well... i hope to get my holiday sorted out a.s.a.p. i hope soon ya... anyhow... nothing much really... had my clinic open... and like always busy with my work.
Some asked why i am sticking to my poker frens... one thing... when i got problem and was breaking up etc and the shit... these are the ppl that were there for me... sorry Diners were not there... i didnt feel they were and i am sorry to say that... that is why i appreciate these ppl and sorry if it has appeared that i prioritize these ppl...
anyhow... yes i hope my ex can move on... i have my syg now... and hahaha dont make me laugh by making up stories esp.. 'i am a degree holder from australia, i was sent by my sister' hahahahha.... funny... to do degree u need A level at least or O level... and yet you have none.... my god... not even a diploma for crying out loud... oh my... why the lie.... u have nothing... it is just nothing.... and sorry ur story made no sense n not fun... like wat my fren Asil said... BUTA HATI & GILA.... hahaha..... stop this...
Anyhow... i hope to go to Msia and HK soon... attending course/seminar... i need them hahaha... to get out of Brunei...
Okay then... till later...

hi... i got my appraisal yesterday. I wont comment much on it as i knew i would do good... yes i got 93%... in the excellent group. What i wanted to say here is the comment and discussion made. It was funny that i had to hear all in front of others. Ermm... last year too.
well among the comment was i was too loose. I am not a strict leader. indeed in some point i think i am that. I will make changes to that to be a better leader. and how we are said to cover each other asses. Well i admit i do come late to work like 8 plus but i never go out to lunch where i spent my time eating in my office and do all the write up n reports writing so it like give and take and i do come in friday or sunday to work whenever they need me.
and one more thing that really kind of me wonder me or even pissed me off... 'to beautify' our psychology clinic... it is an old run down building.... and well i was told not to 'meminta all the time' or 'mengharap' and do like Rose Lim... ask for sponsor... are we even allowed to do that. like ask sponsor for things in our clinic? assessment tools? table chairs? and wat charity bodies or banks i would approach? and in return what would they get for getting us all the things we want? would office in JPA ask for sponsor to beautify their building or offices like table paints chairs? and let me tell you this.. the current place i am having... i can tell 90% are our own things... 100% of the neuropsychological assessments tools are mine personally.... and clinical psych things are all our own... so in wat way 'meminta' all the time when we are never even given any to start of with and expected to be the very best in return. Hello... no incentives! and well how we would boost our motivation to give the best!
and yes when i was told how lucky CPD to be given sponsor to attend courses the whole time... let me tell u this... never! only M & H ever go. And no query if M applies... look at it now... H applies without M... queries all over. To say that... my god... i have never been. Yes it appeared that i attended courses here and there... yes i did on my own expenses!! i been working since 2004 not once i ever been sent to attend courses or seminar.... and how on earth you said i am lucky as i been sponsored... yes you may have signed my application but at the end of the day it all were rejected okay....
okay enough said.... but bottom line... i am frustrated... i dont knw til when i would endure this.... although in my head not even 5 years i be gone from here!

I am about to sleep... being the nosy i am hahaha... okay few matters i want to comment here:
1. Nelly's tweeter... seriously i dont think he meant harm... it was just tweeter where you tweet... and when he said 50% of crowd cant speak English... well maybe it was just a spontaneous thought where he was amazed despite English is not the main language the audience was great... able to sing along with him... wasn't that a compliment? People normally see the bad side... Yes no offence i think not a lot of people in Malaysia could master the English Language well.. but this is not to say they are not able... not all okay... i knw some are good but not all... when someone mentioned that 90% or even stating almost 100% Malaysian do speak English i think that statement is overrated... Seriously... Siti Nurhaliza herself cant speak English well! Thats just an example okay... dont take offence ya.... and well.. i was not pleased when a tweeter person called Nelly... N*&^%... that is offensive ok! No one can tolerate that okay... well... this is just my thought okay...
2. About the movie 'Hantu Bonceng' where it was labeled as the most high gross income movie during the festive raya season in history... i watched that movie with a friend... i thought the movie was shallow.. and YES... i am not religious but i did find the movie as offensive for muslims! I am very open minded... i thought DOGMA was hillarious despite i know it was offensive for christians... but the movie was mainly for entertainment value... but this Malay movie was meant to be comedy with messages... good messages (Konon!) and yet i tot it was a lame movie and making joke about religion... very shallow... and when i read about the mistake about the verse offending the prophet... i was like wow... and for the director to state not to make it big deal... erm.... it is a big deal... imagine it is done by foreigners... wouldnt ppl in Malaysia would want to hunt down the maker... riot even main political parties in the country would comment something... or come up and be a hero depending the dignity and integrity of Islam... well yes not big deal i reckon.. it is just movie... like i said i m just blogging here.... and i always wonder why good movie in Malaysia... never well accepted while crap movies got all the attention... erm... come on... i want more Shuhaimi Baba... movies with intellectual things in it.... not just random gangster!
3. Well... one statement i must say... Indonesia makes the best religion-based movie... Ayat-Ayat Cinta may not be great but it was good start... followed by Ketika Cinta Bertasbih, Syahadat Cinta, Mak ingin Naik Haji... stating a few... and last that i know of was Dalam Mihrab Cinta... all brilliant... and sorry Malay movie none close to any of these... well i salute Surga Cinta for effort and Well sadly Nurkasih The movie... failed in many ways.... and well... new one... I just found out new religion-based movie is releasing soon.... Di Bawah Lindungan Ka'bah... looked amazing!

okay... dah cukup dah la saya membebel... surely ada yg marah ne hahahah well like i said i wrote wat i have in mind... i mean no harm.... i may not be right the whole time... but all my thoughts saja.... :)

my Travel plan

erm... i knw this is ahead... well... my plan.... next few weeks i b in KL... n then followed few weeks after that to HK..... n well... in between would have my GO/FR thing and well.... hope i can do it... or else resit hahaha... and well Dec... i cant go to UK to join the pokerface.... well plan to go Jakarta with Amal..... and then back n would be ready to go to Korea in February...
April... last yr was in OZ... no plan yet mayb Bangkok... and summer is the tricky bit.... UK/Seychelles/Adelaide... erm..... all before puasa.... and well if d izinkan... i wanna go Umrah.... well tis all just plan hehehe

was looking at Dr Lin blog... entitle guy + Tatoo = HOT... hahahah erm.... seriously i wanted one hahahah ppl out there would kill me i know hahahaha

wow... a bit tired...i felt like i was running here n there... i just called in to ward 19 saying i am not able to review the patient and the patient would be discharged tomorrow... and well i would see before the discharge tomorrow. Nah... i mean i have errands this afternoon... and i been working early... seeing outpatients.. and before JPMC, was called to emergency to see case there and once done... rushed off to JPMC and reviewed patients there... and was back around 12noon to go to OT open clinic... and well after that spent my time in my office doing reports and pending write-up and yes it is just half a day today... what a long day! :)
Anyhow... i have decided to go for the symposium in KL... as i needed to get away frm here as well.... sigh... tiring....
oh Ya yesterday... my syg told me again that my ex wrote that i am a whore... hahahah plss like i said before... get a life n move on..... god i must have hurt u in such a way that til now still grudge towards me.. i tot well i knew i ended it but i tot that what you wanted.... i remember very well... 'sorry i am taken'... thats wat u said to me... and i accepted that and now i m happier.... why u still mad at me.... Karma i reckon hahhaah....
by the way... i gained weight.... argghhhh.... post op til now i been doing less exercise damn no... i will lose it!!!! hahahahaha

hi it has been a while... raya was around and well like i said before... feeling was not there... i did go beraya and funny without failed... i see my pokerface frens everyday... funny and yes we are closer than ever... and thus why when few were leaving... the rest had adjustment to do hehehe...
anyhow... nothing much really... i am happy with my life... with my syg...
And i knw this should not bother me... but i just want to say... i hope my ex would move on and stop slandering. Serious i dont know what the hell is your problem... cant see others happy... u chose ur path and i chose mine and well i knw mine was brilliant as seriously i am so over you already and i am in happier place... but do u have to mess my life... well not that it works... as well people whom know me wont fall easily to the BS that u said abt me. You called me "P*&^%$" before and yet you paraded pixs of u with a bunch of drags hahaha look who was talking.... and said i spread rumours... phew.... seriously u owe me a lot... lets just leave that to that... and u spread ceta so my syg hear abt it hahah well we arent stupid.... i am hiding? Hey you...you knw where i live... where i work and from my FB wherever i am... i let the world know... thats not hiding! BS again... anyhow... i just hope you get into ur senses... it has been almost 5 months since we broke up .... plss la get a life.... why filled ur FB walls abt me... when in the first place... u claimed to others that u didnt even know me.... so incongruent.... hahahah... at least ppl know who you are now!
Okay i will stop mentioning about you as i knw i should concentrate on my life... with my fab frens etc... ciao for now... tata titi tutu....

HANG UP ABOUT UR EX

Looking at the heading… still hang up about ur ex… I am not talking about myself. I am so over mine. Never think back or look back. Anyhow, I am writing this to tell a person how I feel about this matter. I do understand the problem and the pain after a break up.. For me, it is a break up not break down! Anyhow… let me tell you this… I used to have one experience… I think it was back in 2005 or 2006, I used to go out with this girl… yes we were dating. Things were okay at first until I smelled something not right. Something fishy. Okay… I realised that she was not over her ex. Despite the claim that she broke up with her bf like a year already but she still kept checking her phone etc. And well… good thing I found out about it. We talked about and she assured me that I was her bf. Her heart and mind were for me (fcuking lame!). Well, can’t blame her too… we didn’t go out for a long time. This started like in our 2nd month relationship and then it came ramadhan and Eid Mubarak. And things started to get ugly or I started to rethink of the relationship as when we met and out for date, all she asked was about her ex. Telling me about her ex … ex and ex. And she did note that I wasn’t pleased. So it did cause us friction and well I was just giving us chances and more chances. Anyhow… I still remember it was one day in Eid Mubarak where I told her that I needed to be with my guy friends for Raya gathering at this lady whom we used to go to same University with. I remember I went out with Amir and Haji Lihan to Kak Weeja house for Leeds ppl get together. And I specifically told her not to disturb me (as she been suffocating me, I was her bf and yet she complaint about her ex most of the time) I mean it was just wrong, I was supposedly the one she was currently dating and she still got angry and complaint to me about her ex bf. Just try to put u ppl in my shoes how would u feel. I had limit in my patience as well. Okay for the certain time, before I went out, she was like ‘kusut’ about me going out with my guy friends as normally everyday she would want to spend it with me.. Everyday I fetched her home from work and any errands I would be there for her. So that night, I been harassed by her texts and eventually she called. I ignored and even off my mobile. Once I on it, she would call me again and for once, my friends were like ‘just pick it up’. So I did… to my horror… even before I said anything, she said “I am crying, my ex called me… I feel so hurt”. I was like you moron…. I exploded and very angry and off my mobile. What happened after that, I ignored all her calls and texts…. And yes I left her! Haiza knew of this… even Mawar. I left her as she was still hang up about her ex and I felt that it was wrong for her to do that to me. I was her bf and yet she talked and complaint about her ex! Well we only went out 3 months (for note, soon after that I left for Oz) and she had her own life.
Okay you must be wondering why I am writing this… this was like few years ago… the reason is that you… you know who you are… you are doing this to me…. I know I did say I am very understanding but there is limit to my understanding. You are repeating what she did to me. If I am your bf… would it be fair that you kept talking about ur ex bf… mood down thinking about ur ex… not happy and everything all about ur ex…. I was already sceptical with our long distance relationship but yes I do like you a lot so I gave it a go but with you behaving that way and all about ur ex… I for once… am not sure… and well u were the one who texted me and said you wanted to be friend. And I did say I was okay with it…. n I am so sorry if I wasn’t like before in keeping in touch with you as I knew I did my part in our relationship to keep in touch etc…. before I was always the first for u… even u with your friends… without failed u would still entertain me. I thought of it.. yes we are better of being friend and I do hope you understand. I did tell you… I analysed all… you still hang up about ur ex bf… n despite you said you love me… I am your rare jewel… but if I am all that, you would not be bothered or affected by your ex. You would not posed as someone else to dig out stories about him. I know you needed answers and all… but it all showed that you are not over him. So I am sorry… I don’t want to be hurt too… I knew you told me that when you met me you just broke up like a week with him. I could understand that and I even said that to you… I was your rebound. When I met you too… I just broke up few months but at least I knew I was over my ex. So I am sorry to write this but I just feel you need to know. I know I am very understanding and all but I still have my own feeling. Seriously… it did hurt me. How would you expect me to say or behave when you told me about how ur ex treated you… this and that. I stopped calling as I didn’t want to waste it to listen about you and your ex while by right we are supposedly going out. Sorry…. I think we are better off being friend. And do not blame me as I am honestly telling you here…. Someone else attract my attention. Like you said I deserve happiness too. I don’t want you to think that I was not loyal to you. I only paid attention to this person after you sent me the texts on my phone about being friend (that time all used to be nice n sweet between us, to receive that, i was stunned, no warning and i had to swallow them all). N you admitted to me that you still have him in your heart. Some of your messages did hurt me. I am sorry… I knew you said last two nights that you sorted out your mind… and you did say deep down… it was me… deep down…. But the surface is someone else. I don’t think I could live with that and put on my pokerface as if all is okay with me. Sorry…. You have to know this way. I don’t want to add more sadness to you but I think this is the best for us. I don’t want us to hurt each other. And I don’t want to hurt me.
And for this new person… I am thankful and I know I am clear about my feeling about you. Maybe we are not in cloud nine entirely but I have to say… I am liking you a lot and I can’t deny that I am starting to fall in love with you. And one thing I ask of you… if you read this… be clear of what you want… you did say you love me a lot… thank you for that… but please be sure of it… before we got further and once you want this to happen, I would definitely demand your commitment. If you ever have doubt… please tell me and do not start anything with me. Like I said… it is hard for me to open my heart for love… and i am willing to do that for you... so better be clear with me.... before you hurt me too...

I wonder despite i have hidden my Fb and this and that... some stil penetrated to my account... and check on it... get a life ppl... what wrong with my god and blessed life? what ppl would think i would be miserable.... like i said before my life has always been good and even better now... and so what....
Like yes i admitted i always go out makan for sungkai... even that an issue... like i m showing off? i never bother about ppl fb... they can do wataver hell with theirs... and so i expect the same.... its my FB.... seriously.... ppl get a life hahahaha....
Yes... ppl i hang out.. PokerFace club and Diners club... are ppl with brain, titles.. etc and my other colleagues... we never disturb ppl... and so why like bother that i am friends with these ppl... sigh... gila... thats my activity and my life... i know i shouldnt bother but seriously when ppl kept bothering me.. i just wonder... what is wrong with them..... do i care about u ppl... Hell no...
Sigh... it is a 'boo' thing to even bother... and like always... i will just go on with my life.... it bothers others... thats not my f*&%$&# businesss... hahahaha let me use the phrase that ppl use... 'SakLiko' hahah sorry i tot that phrase is so Poklen! hahah

I dont knw why i tot of D too much... and missing her a lot.... i know i love u D so much... sigh.... maybe it is the time of the month hehehe i remember even before in OZ... my partner J was so jealous of D.... n well... i still am with D now... hahahaha.... Sorry J... i will always love D more... hehehe god what got into me... I do still love u J... thats for sure... but we cant be together.... ;)

today will try Fratini with the diner's club.... :) and well i had not a good at work.... well the less i say the better.... anyhow... wat came to my mind is sincerity of a certain person... :) i wont elaborate further.... and well... i made up my mind... new yr Jakarta... and Feb is Korea... summer... UK or Seychelles... mayb i pass on OZ this yr as i been there last yr... :)

This yr puasa... i realised that i been eating out a lot.... compared to last yr i only went once.... like i been to Grazie Maurie, Saffron, Capers, Polo Terindak, Orchid, Nur wanita.... and today is Le Stadium... and two coming... Manjaro and Twelv... erm.... eheheh will try some more i guess hehehe

So how so far... work pretty much busy and i must say this yr things looking so good... many patients and many referrals.... and like time simply passed by so nice... i am so gonna miss puasa work time... so great.... and ya... raya is soon... right now i havent got the mood yet.... last yr was not great too... with Danny putus cinta fiasco... and well... it was good for me as i was away heheheh but tis yr i stay n do the raya i guess :) anyhow someone asked me about my life post u know who... i am like oh god... ppl... i m good... like i said it was the best thing... i dont knw... i may sound bragging here but yes... life has been so good.... and i met Wae last week n he told me about a certain someone trying to dig out my story... n u... whom i called chicken... stop... get a life!
anyhow.... yesterday had a good day... work was good.... n the Psych had sungkai out... n celebrated Mun's bday.... and i asked Amal to join us... it was good... n then the Pokerface club gathering at Empire.... so good... and i looked back at it... i am like wow this is my life... n with these wonderful ppl.... i dont get old but i get better hahahah.... :)
All these things and all i can say.... Thank you Allah.... :)

I know appraisal time is coming and i know throughout the year i do observe and see my staffs... but at times i do know that i expect too much... and i know i m so well versed in my clinical skills that i want everyone to share my passion and my ways... well i expect too much at times.... to have ppl to think and do way i do.... but at the end i realised that the new batch are distinctive... need to be groomed more... and well i do have to appraise accordingly.... and well... times like this... i wanna say despite all... despite what ppl said... and well... I do think Muizzah do have her own uniqueness and capacity... i mean many ppl do see it... but i know Hani and I see something in her and thus why we do defend her and have a soft spot as i know we all have our weaknesses but we always use her strength.... yes i must say at times... i miss having her in our office.... and i know at least i can rely on her... and well kesian Hani hehehehe today i rely on her a lot heheheheh okay ppl til later...

Today it has been a week we are in Ramadhan month... and this year it has been smooth and yes... the feeling is very serenity... for me that is at least. I find it is so peaceful and work has been very good... Sorry Tuan Hj Jamal... my ceo as i been missing the tedarus... the niat to go was there... but selalu ada saja heheheheh Alasan tu Yusri hahhaha......
These few days... it has been good... ppl have been extra nice to me... and i have moved on. Thnxs God... for ur blessings!
So far i have dined out few times... tried Grazie Mauri, Twelve, saffron and Terindak Polo Club... so far been good... only Polo my god too much food!!! I am still bloated till now heheheeh...
Today i was involved in the Medical board meeting... always not easy.... to declare the unfitness of a person as this involve life decision making.... but we always make decision based on our clinical perspective and i hope it is all for the best..... today was awkward one as it involved people that i know..... anyhow... i am just doing my work.... :)
okay.... Raya is approaching by soon.... the feeling is the same as before... i will celebrate it moderately... at my age as long as i celebrate n do visit all uncles/aunts house would be good enough and i am thinking to be away as last yr but this yr i have no idea where to go :)
of note... i happened to check on my phone logbook... wonder why this particular person still contacting me... sorry ur number is blocked. Okay til later ya.... :)

Hi its fasting month again... now it is almost a week... things had been okay... work same but still same story at times.... :)
anyhow will update soon.... now just cleaning the room and excited heheheh why excited will tell u later :)

Many asked about me n F... all i could say we are still the same.... no way there would be Y&F... just wont work... :) but we still stay fren and close as ever... and well while i was in KL... i met someone thru FB just a random n since i was in KL i tot yeah lets meet up for coffee or lepak... one thing led to another... this person fell in love with me... maybe it is my mistake i love the attention and kinda have this feeling of liking... but i dont knw and pretty sure it is not love yet and like i be in Brunei... and you be in Msia... i know it is not far but long distance? thus y i never work with F... and like many others... J... D.... why do ppl that i could love n be with all overseas.... sigh..... while the one closer in Brunei never work and they all turn into money drainer (new terms hahahah) or else all became psycho.... never like or love me for me.... maybe except Amal.... ya we are knowing each other now... yes my FB i m in relationship with her... but i think we r more to companionship but we dont knw where this would go... never say never.... :)

What a low class u r

Bumped into my ex at the hospital... well that the place i work... wat do u expect... i was just civilised... i was with two of my frens... Ziyah and Dr Jus... we all acted normal. Just when i tot it was okay the next days... many chisomo or penyibuk dalam kata Pinoy... called n told me to check on my ex fb... sorry i dont have the fb anymore... i have moved on. Apparently my ex wrote on fb about me... with curses and all... well wat new... like my frens said... no brain... and so poklen style... thats the level.. i was like wow... so diam when jumpa and menyalak like anjing on Fb wats the point... only brave on FB.. well what pissed me off was some ppl that i dont have any business with... menyampuk and even one person said to be aware as i am capable to do things to ppl... WTF! hahaha funny that i never do anything and ppl think like that... walao i am that powerful and influential hahahaha.... my frens did read n all just laughed at the stupidity while they see me have moved on and nothing. Just ignore.... wat just cuz i mixed n lepak with ppl with brain and look and money and IT ppl... takut ah... when i saw you i was like... why diam... and where all the threatening u made to me before... one of my frens kept and copied the slandering on FB as bukti n if they dont stop... well.... they will see haha

Oh ya i did have a look at CT performance at APM... my god... i knw i never like her but like her song was crap... seriously old fashion n yucky... sorry ppl.... n well i wonder how some ppl perceived it as brilliant... must b deaf n blind or that was just their capacities in seeing and listening to music... crap...

Today is my first day back to work.... after like 20 days of leave... and i was supposed to be at workshop and i have to decline it as i feel i need to be at ripas... as no one there... anyhow.... it is my choice hehehe....
Oh ya... fasting month is coming... and well nothing much really.... weekend was great... many bday celebration and parties.... :)

Ppl do ask me on FB... do i choose my frens... after what happened... i m sorry i have to say YES... i have to. But it doesnt mean that you have to be 'IT' as all u have to be is sincere n honest. Ppl been asking and some were like.. oh god.. i am not up to ur standard... seeing whom u always lepak with... i m sorry if i happened to be in a group of ppl with class... with brain and money and even look... its all not abt status ppl... it is just that these ppl are just nice and no drama... comparing to some ppl whom had nothing but thinking all that and phewwww... apa pun tarak.... and only see me as S ELEVEN... just like when some commented on my Diner club and Elite Club... yes... consisted of us medical ppl... Dr Jus, Dr Mus, Dr Haiza, Dr Ian and Mr Farhan... they r my dearest frens... n nothing fancy about us... we r just down n happy... why asked... yes sorry when i tot to bring in Q to be in it... sorry Q u r just not 'it' and totally out of place.... and i am sorry i may offend someone in this... the group SOCIALITE on FB... i am sorry to say nothing socialite about it... n thanks to someone... i am out of it... nice one... and well... now ppl asked lately about ppl i mixed with... POKER FACE... heheh we r just us... n just coincidence most of us are with brain n money... all mainly overseas educated and we have our own distinctive careers... n thus making it like 'it' but seriously we r just being us... and that is 'IT'... and some ppl whom like inboxing some ppl that i made fren on FB by saying... wow u fren with Yau HK... be careful... he is bad news... so lame... ppl whom knw me would knw me....
Wow i just realised as well this month many bday... i celebrated my dearest Cuz Lin bday yesterday... and we had Jau and Bazi as well... and many more... i know i been socializing and busy lately but it was all fun n good.. I was in KL last week and it was a blast!

At times i am tired...

hi... when i write this here... i do hope i dont offend anyone but it was just a tot i had in mind. I am always the provider in everything... Just a wonder... why ppl would depend on me for everything... like driving for instance... to be picked up etc... n like without me... wont be able to make it to a gathering etc.... at times...it really did make me really tired.... i mean for once or certain time.. i wish ppl would do that for me too... i m sorry to say this... but i know my meaning of my name is 'convenient' but i do feel tired being convenient to others...

Some ppl asked me why i started to blog again... i said as i think this is the best way to express myself... as i dont knw at times whom else i can trust n talk to. I mean i do have friends for that matter but they are not in Brunei. I am not saying i dont have anyone in Brunei but just that for that purpose i prefer my overseas friends. Anyhow.. with the recent incident where i was accused.. i wanna put a stop to that... yes i know who did it but i think for the best interest of all... i think it is better to leave it that way... just that the person did not even think of the impact and repercussion it would cause me n ppl surround me. I knw You did it out of love but for me it was just like no brain. Anyhow i wont say much about it. I just hope it will go away.

I know it has been a long time since i updated in here. Many things happened...i even went to many trips... Bali, Kl, Brisbane etc... and yes i was in relationship as well that only lasted 6 months... and it was a turbulent relationship from the start... i was just giving it a chance but no use if it was only me wanted it work and made it work. It went to drain. Well... last relationship i had with J was like almost 2 yrs and this only like 6 months i know i could survived this although i still feel hurt. Hurt that i was blind in this relationship... should have listened to others... and well... i was in denial mainly but i am over it now. I opened my eyes and i have moved on. I am not saying i jumped straight to a next relationship. No i m resting but yes i have one whom loved and cared much about me but i need the time. Wait and hold on ya... and yes my relationship ended with a bomb. I was accused of doing something and i did not do it. I was not stupid enough to do that. let me keep it in my mind. I dont knw how much i deny it.. it seemed that i was the doer.... but never mind. My way of fighting it is silence... but DIAM KU BUKAN TAkUT.... and i will just bear all the bad things my x-partner said to me... never mind.... for me it was just a dog barking to the hill... i will stay strong.... and pity it caused my friendship to certain people....
Anyhow... lets stop that.... i learnt my lesson....
One thing i wanna say... i posted a pic of someone wanted to borrow money from me.. Eversince i am back in Brunei i met many people like that and i knw some still owe me money... wont say the name... the recent one why i posted the pic... as long as i can remember when i know this person... not even a friend... an acquaintance only... met at party and needed help related to work. I helped n eversince all the person asked were favours... tis and tat... but like lepak... happy time... no.... of course i was like disgusted... borrow money.... just like before... i went to a gathering with my uncle... and then few days later got call from uncle's fren whom like oh can use ur name to buy car... and some approached to borrow money also... so i am like... wat the hell... u have your own circle of frens and i m just new and not even a 'fren' in a real sense why came to me... they see me as S ELEVEN ($)... fuck off la....
and well i wont say about this... but i feel someone has changed... i am yet to see... whether my instinct is right or not... but if it is true, seriously i wanna knw why.... as all i know i help this person A LOT.... well...typical thing here in Brunei...u fren ppl.... nice to them... at the end of the day... i m the bad one....
Okay i will try to update more in here... although maybe life has not been treating me well... but overall i also see lights... i see true ppl.... and i m blessed!